My Life Journey Back to Self-Love
In several of my situations and stories, the names are changed. Some references and details are purposely left out to remain discreet. This is out of respect and due to other circumstances of those still living out their lives.
From as young as I can remember, I was always bubbly, active and a rebel at heart. There was always the spark of the Divine within me that wanted to know more, wanted answers, wanted to know who I was, and where I came from. Most of the answers that I received from adults did not resonate with my gut or now that I understand my inner truth and knowingness. My earlier childhood is a blank. Only those highlighted special event memories remain. I knew consciously I came from an abusive home life, physically and emotionally, but I never remembered the depth of the abuse till I was in my thirties. In my programmed illusionary mind it was all a good middle class catholic american family.
In previous generations everything was kept private and secretive. There was much pretending, denial and shame being suppressed, hiding all those dark situations, telling you they never really happened. I was always told I had a very wild imagination and a big mouth. Well both were true but in a different sense. I lived a very good childhood from the outside onlooker, and I feel very blessed for that and for my mother who tried to protect us as much as she could.
In my teenage years my disdain for catholic schooling and the fear that was being imposed upon me made me feel uneasy. I couldn’t quite swallow the untruths that I was being taught. So I decided to go investigate other churches and religious practices. My father did not approve of my curiosity and the quest to find my own Truth. So I proceeded to sneak to as many churches as I could with my friends. I even sought out a born again holy roller church where they were speaking in tongues. It felt like I was being cleansed throughout the yelling gibberish, in all the excitement and influence. I actually enjoyed the jubilation of freedom. It had an aspect of ancient truth to it. My conclusion was that all these religions were so confining and fearful that it didn’t feel like they came from a Benevolent God or Divine Creator Source. We refer to this now as religious dogma.
At 17, I was introduced to meditation. That started my journey onto the more spiritual path. I started studying the eastern philosophies and adopted transcendental Meditation by the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. I couldn’t get enough of this new eastern way of thinking. Reading was my past time. I left home as soon as I could and moved to California to a small surfing town on the coast that just so happen to have a Temple and Ashram right on the ocean cliffs, called Self Realization Fellowship. At that time in my life, surfing was the draw that brought me closer to Mother Nature, Mother Earth and my inner divine source.
Later in life I found out this beach town/retiree area had a vortex and was one of the highest vibrational areas in the US. I was immediately drawn to the magnetism and became a student of Paramahansa Yoganada. A Realized Guru who was one of the early Hindu pioneers to bring the East to the West in the 40’s. I followed his teachings, practicing Meditation and learning kriya yoga for 10 years, all the while educating myself at college and vocational schools. I have always been very motivated to be successful in all areas. I pushed myself to excel in physical sports and education. I was a hard worker, wore many hats, worked hard, played hard and did my spiritual practices diligently. During those long hours of meditation and study was my first experience into No Mind and the Ultra Violet waves of the Divine experience. I could go deep and feel my souls connection to Source but outside of my practice little did I realize the old lineage patterns, ancestral belief systems and cellular memory of all the darkness that lay hidden within. It would be my life’s passion and desire to cleanse my vessel.
Then I met my Soul Mate. Another SRF student and follower and we fell in love. He was one of my first spiritual teachers in many modalities including indigenous teachings and shamanism, and taught me many new things. Our relationship was so complimentary on all levels, physically, mentally and spiritually. We wanted the same things from life and our spiritual path. We created a beautiful son and we were elated with our three-some family. My husband came from a big family so we wanted more children. When my son was 2 we found out my husband had testicular cancer. I learned early on about suffering, challenges and extreme heartache. Also I learned great strength, devotion and unconditional love. You never know how much you can handle until you presented with crisis and loss. So much intense growth was given to me during that time, looking back it was the sweet gift my husband left for me to be able to independently dive deep into my own consciousness and pursue my relationship with the Divine. The cancer spread to his bones and he died a year later at 33 of a secondary bone cancer. During the time of his decline, his father had Alzheimers for 10 years and also died 3 months before my husband.
My mother had come to California to help us in the beginning of his illness with our son. She started having strange symptoms and went home to be diagnosed with lung cancer and died 3 months later. She died 6 months before my husband, which brought about more fear for him. So to say the least, that was not a good year for me. Three passing’s within 6 months. A little over the top for a 33 yr old single mom, but I was put in a protective bubble by Spirit till I could mourn, grieve and sort it all out.
It took me 10 years to process all the grief and struggle. It was too overwhelming and too much to handle all at once, so it came in waves. All the while I was seeking psychological counseling, many personal development courses and spiritual classes to help me understand WHY?? and put the pieces of my life back together. I continually asked God, “Why had all the ones closest to me, my support systems of my life, who I loved so much, been stripped away all a once. At the same time I had to figure out how to support my son financially because I was left with nothing but hospital bills to repay. That was another story in itself. I was the crack in the system.
My son was my saving grace. His innocence, dependence and unconditional love kept me present, so as not to decline into the waves of depression and suicidal obsession. I remember thinking after planning my demise “How could I leave this innocent being with no father or mother?” That’s when I decided I have to be strong, be courageous and do everything in my power to be a mother and a father for him. Walk through the desperation to create a balanced life for him. He was my teacher and my savior.
During this desperate time, the abuse issues resurfaced. I was told by my psychologist, many psychic’s, a past life regressor and hypnotist that I had been sexually abused when I was young and that is why I couldn’t remember my childhood. I didn’t believe it at first, it was too surreal. Even when I would share my findings with my closest friend, she would say “that’s not true, you’re too happy?”. What I didn’t realize at the time was the inner rage, inner shame and unworthiness I had that lay deep underneath my tough exterior, outgoing personality and coping mechanisms. I had all these emotions that lay simmering deep within like a volcano. I was a Type A personality, always on the move, keeping busy so as not to FEEL all the pain buried deep inside under many layers of shame, guilt, grief, much unworthiness and low self esteem.
I want to take a moment to explain what I have learned through understanding and studying the psychological and energetic repercussions of abuse. It does not matter what kind of personality you have. There are plenty of coping mechanisms to go around for all types of people. A major reason for such “normal forgetting” is that the abuse, even multiple episodes, is usually not seen as terrifying or life threatening at the time, because usually we trust the abuser or can’t distinguish between what we were taught as right and wrong…..especially if we were very young. Usually the violations are recalled through another situation or trauma that triggers the memories or feelings. Most research says that those people who have been assaulted report multiple negative effects from the abuse, such as: loss of trust in people, difficulties with relationships, sexual problems, loss of self- esteem, mental health problems and memory loss. It can play out in the person’s lifetime in many different scenarios, even disease, and is very difficult to detect until symptoms have manifested. This information was inspired by the studies and research of the American Psychological Association.
I worked as a Medical Assistant in pediatrics, orthopedics, emergency services and for a specialist in Hormone Replacement Therapy. As I learned more and more about psychology and allopathic medicine, I leaned towards alternative practices. I studied health education, metaphysical/spiritual therapies and applications. After working in Western Medicine, I then started my extensive studies into the Holistic side of medicine. I started noticing how my intuition would have an instant knowingness to the energetic truth of different health situations. That was my new direction; integrating health, psychology & spiritual practices towards mastery of my life. Little did I know, at that time, it wasn’t going to be quite that easy of a journey, but a journey towards my own Awakening and my life purpose.
Some of the most exciting years were in my 40’s juggling the single mom life. Between balancing my son, work, fitness, health, education and my spirituality, I was quite the busy gal. I learned many skills and portrayed the dual role of mother/father for my son, unconsciously carrying much masculine energy to get all the jobs done. I got good at everything and was called the Jackie of all trades. I look back and have no idea where all the extra amounts of energy came from because I was going, going, going from early morning till late at night. Whew, it makes me tired just thinking about it, but Spirit supported my goals. Later on I would realize my masculine energy was way out of balance and it became a deficit for attracting a relationship. It is hard to hide the “I can do everything energy”. Very intimidating and controlling. Yes, that was me and carrying a real chip on my shoulder about men from my unconscious inner rage. Of course, I had no idea I projected this, my perception was quite different and so it goes.
I did carry much lack energy from my unworthy inner issues of abuse as I processed through all my years of survival and putting the pedal to the metal. My financial life was always in a struggling mode even though I put so much effort in workaholic tendencies and creative ideas. I unconsciously projected the victim consciousness and it seemed as if life just wouldn’t let me get ahead or have a break. Later I would realize my core issues had to be healed before I could break free onto the path to self-love and prosperity.
I was blessed though, during these years, with an abundance of fantastic support systems, community, help and love with all my wonderful and much appreciated friends in my life. Yes folks, true friends are like Gold, and that made me feel as if the karma was somehow balanced in that respect. I thought that perhaps I had done something right in a past life to have so much love and abundant energy in my life assisting me to learn how to trust the process.
So in my 40’s life was good. I left corporate America to try my hand at being an entrepreneur. I invented the first neoprene cell phone case in the world. I spent 3 years building a business in a man’s technical field. I was working for the largest cell phone company in San Diego at the time when cellular all began. I created my prototype and since I was the idea woman without cash, I had to use my marketing skills to find investors or partners. I went through a few start up funding ventures till I found a good partner, I thought. In the end he tried to go behind my back and take my business. It was ridiculous to try and fight him for a small business. The lawyers would get all the money and the stress would compromise my health, so I decided to walk away. I felt if he wanted to steal my business so badly then I would give it to him. He obviously needed it more than I and I knew without my expertise in the industry at the time, he wouldn’t survive. I was right, he filed bankruptcy soon after, Karma. Even though I was shattered at the time and had to go back to my 9-5 workplace, it was all worth it. A wonderful ride of growth, learning and independence that shaped me and gave me the inspiration to create my own businesses in the future and eventually serve my purpose.
During this same time, a beautiful 14 yr old got dropped into my lap; definitely from God, and part of my blueprint karmic contract. Due to outer circumstances, my son and I lived in a situation with Mica. Mica became close to my son who was 9 at the time and bonded with me as the Mother figure. Later on, I realized we had parallel lives, with our family members and abuse issues. Mica ended up living with us for several years and became part of our family unit. I was so elated to watch my son interacting with a sibling. It was a part of our dual healing process to come together, but at the time, it was a huge hardship on me to take in another child and assist in raising her. Even though we can logically resist, the heart knows no logic when it is driven by compassion and love in the moment to help another human being. So now I had a new purpose combined with all my other multi-tasking. During this hectic time, a new family brought many fond memories and lots of joy and laughter which helped ease the challenges of life.
I was fortunate enough to have a strong constitution, be physically fit and very healthy. I never smoked because I had to endure it with my mother and I didn’t care for the taste of alcohol (although, I loved the foo-foo drinks, as we called them.) I was so obsessed with health and fitness that extreme partying and drugs were not included in my lifestyle. I preferred feeling good the next day for my many activities and I liked to be in control of my body. I did do a lot of drug experimenting though, especially in my teens and 20’s.
In my 40’s minor health issues started showing up from the stress of abuse and all the deep loss I had experienced. Major trauma will take it’s toll at some point, depending on your lifestyle, combined with suppressed emotional and mental issues. At that point, I started my education in metaphysics at the Berkeley Psychic Institute. I was learning all about how to understand and work with my physic gifts, energy and the chakras. This was when I truly started understanding about the imbalanced energies that I was carrying around in my electro-magnetic bio-energy field. I was learning about healing the core issues that keep playing out in our relationships and interactions. I was learning new tools and how to let go of the past discordant energy we hold in our cells and DNA. Actually, in my 1st class my new amazing teacher asked me if I wanted to continue getting information from my guru, or if I was ready to go directly to God Source Energy. I had a guru chord coming out of my crown because early on I made a pact with Paramahansa Yogananda that he would show me Enlightenment. Any Teacher or Guru is just that; until you are ready to stand on your own 2 feet and start learning how to empower your-Self. Obviously, I was ready to grow and learn more independently. Don’t get me wrong, Teachers and Mentors who you trust and who are at higher vibrations are always helpful along the way for confirmation and nudging growth spurts. In the end, we discover to learn to Listen and Feel what your Higher Self is communicating to your inner being, as we become more empowered without looking for answers from outside ourselves. Then again that is the evolutionary process of reconnecting with our Divine Higher-Self. Then you start the process of integrating the Conscious Self-healing master that we all are.
My teacher also asked me, “how are your relationships?” I said “What relationships?” They were short term and I seemed to be attracting all the wrong men. He said you won’t be able to attract a new relationship that will work for you until you let your husband go completely. He will not move on to do his own work on the other side; because both of you are still linked together at the same intensity. Wow, that was interesting and resonated completely. My husband’s energy was around all the time playing tricks, breaking things and throwing things in the night when he didn’t agree with my choices with other men. He continually visited in my dreams and my son’s dreams. In previous years my boyfriend’s would feel his energy and get very jealous of my dead husband. I always thought that was so strange because I never gave them any cause for such behavior.
So my teacher gave me tools and ceremonies to perform so I could detach from him. It wasn’t easy but I was determined and longed for another soul mate in this lifetime. I had to put away all the pictures in the house, except for the ones in my son’s room. I actually decided to send him to be my son’s guide and he loved that job. I know this to be true because he would show up whenever I was getting healing’s from other psychics and healers. He would say “I did what you told me, I’m watching out for our son”. Those confirmations were very heart warming. Interestingly, I found out later through my Shaman training that I had kept him earth bound by sending him to protect my son. I feel it was all perfect in that timeline. Two years ago my son & I released him through a ceremony in the Indian ocean of Bali. Peace for us all.
So back to the health issues I was facing. There were many female problems in my 2nd chakra. This chakra is about family, negative or positive, abuse, imbalanced sexuality and our creativity. So when this chakra is out of balance or shut down from deep trauma we will experience problems and dis-ease in those areas emotionally, mentally or physically, or all three. I had many challenges in that area but because I believe there are cures for all disease, I was able to reverse the symptoms, and over time, heal the root cause.
Finding and healing the root cause or original wounding of our lifetime, such as abandonment, betrayal or abuse, will assist in alleviating the dis-ease so that it will not return again later. Also searching for alternative cures that resonate with you, in combination with working on the physical body and the emotional- mental bodies together. You want to bombard it from all sides with healing the mind, body, emotional triad.
After my schooling, I started using my knowledge to begin healing others. I still had more to learn and feelings of empowerment to step into. I believe everyone has the ability to be a Self-Healer. With the right knowledge and guidance we can learn how to be proactive with our health and emotions. As far as healing others I feel there are some people who are more gifted and have the calling from Spirit to work on others. Healing others is not for everyone. It is a very serious undertaking. The gift of healing others should be respected and done only in the Highest Integrity. Consistently upgrading and expanding the Healing of the Self. Healing the Self is a never-ending process as long as we are Human, even enlightened Beings. Yes, there are many enlightened beings and those in higher states of consciousness/vibration on this planet, but who is to say they are enlightened??? Only the observers. So in this area to find healers, teachers and gurus, I would invite you to listen to your combined intuition, heart and knowledge before you turn over your essence to someone else. Continue to ask Spirit for guidance and confirmation.
During those years I continued the process of working on myself along with continued studies and programs to enhance my knowledge and wisdom. I worked with many exceptional teachers, mentors and some of the greatest spiritual masters. This gave me the skills to create my Healing and Holistic business. Over time the healings and the energy that came through me became stronger with more phenomenal results. One of my most profound teachers told me we choose what we need to learn. He said, “We are all wounded healers growing into wholeness.”
For 20 years, I juggled and survived trusting that Spirit was leading me through my unfolding evolution. Moving through the process of releasing and purifying. Over time all the old patterns, belief systems, spent and burnt karmas, all the trauma and negative energies held within my cells, and my distorted DNA was burning away throughout the years. Many times the processing was very challenging, especially when experiencing the “dark night of the soul.” This term refers to a deeper soul process which I had to experience 3 times. Each unexpected experience became easier to handle in the processing outcome. These times of full surrender help us to retrieve all the fragmented soul pieces that were lost and misplaced, shifting us to the next level of consciousness. Coming back to wholeness is to understand deeply that we are worthy of the life that we desire. We are worthy to have the relationships, career, happiness and joy that we so desperately want. We can truly have a life filled with the beautiful flow of the universe and a peaceful existence. It is all ours by Divine Birthright.
As my business began expanding, my purpose became clear and I realized that if I could get out of my own way, I could manifest and create my Own reality. The energy that was coming through me, and transferring in my healing’s was growing in intensity as I grew within, bringing into balance all the levels of the mind, body and emotions. If you read my Bio it will explain the last 6 years of my journey. Coming into the understanding that I was just a vessel to bring through the healing energy of Spirit. I was doing nothing except remaining clear and pure of mind to receive what I now know is the Christ consciousness energy. I didn’t know that before, understand it, or was empowered enough to claim it as such, until 4 years ago. Watching people’s lives change, illnesses subside or disappear and the happiness that they experience through the healing’s, brings me so much joy and gratefulness for these precious gifts. I developed the Trust to follow Spirit without hesitation. It is not an easy task. Stepping through the fear and pushing forth into the unknown is very challenging sometimes. Even feels like death at times, but if you Feel through it with grace and courage, I can guarantee that over time, it does become easier. I am living proof now, following my dream and my heart as I travel around the world experiencing life to the fullest, healing those sweet souls who are searching to purify their vessel and increase their vibration, one step at a time, one person at a time.
This was my long journey home, home to my heart, home to the Self and freedom. That was My Story then; this is NOW. I feel that old life was but a dream, an illusion and I feel so detached from it now. It is no longer a part of me, it no longer triggers me and that is how I know I have healed the past. It is neutralized within and without.
Today things are different, energies are higher, they are coming in faster, dissipating, dissolving and transmuting the negative energies at a much faster rate. So even though things feel so chaotic, negative and hopeless we have to remember this is all a part of the Divine Plan. In these times, many are feeling extremely anxious and depressed, as the resurgence of lack, limitation, doubts, and duality programming is looping throughout our form. It is so we become so uncomfortable with these feelings that the anguish of hanging on is greater than our fear of letting go. It is a time when all of our parts need to be healed within ourselves, the mass consciousness and the Planet. The old ugly paradigms are rising up to bring about awareness, participation and healing. It looks terrifying sometimes but everything is being Revealed. This is what has to happen to reveal the Truth in every aspect. We are all in this together, so keeping focused on what we want to Manifest and Create, instead of looking and dwelling on our Don’t Wants, helps the Collective energy and consciousness to change. As a first wave lightworker this long lifetime journey of transformation and healing is no longer necessary for the younger generations if applying quantum energy. It can be shortened and changed rapidly through the Quantum Field. Quantum Energy is Intention and Choice. Through cleansing your vessel, consistency, Intention and practice you can change your life from the cause and effect karmic ride, to the Creator of your own Reality.
Now as I travel globally, I meet and work with so many younger generations lightworkers and starseeds from all over the world, that are awakened with so many psychic gifts. They are sooo ready and willing to Serve through their Life’s Purpose and help to heal the Planet!! It is phenomenal and brings so much joy, hope and gratitude for us as a collective species. I am truly grateful for this life experience. 2014
Update-We are now transitioning within the battle of the dark verses light in 2020. All the old paradigms, programs and systems are breaking down and being revealed in this 3D matrix of enslavement and illusion. In the last 6 years my journey took me deep into experiencing the depths of darkness and having to face and digest the Collective Shadow and my own shadow-self.
I had to educate and train more to become stronger and more empowered as an Empathic Quantum Energy Healer As my healing abilities escalated and the energy coming through me became more intense; I was challenged in battle with the dark so that I could work with those who have experienced deep trauma, abductions and mental imbalances. I believe it is very important for everyone to purify their vessel or entire hologram to step into balance of the awakening heart.
I AM QUANTUM and I work from the Quantum Energy Field.
I am truly grateful for all my Guardians of the Light, Masters of the Christ consciousness, angels, spirit guides, gurus, teachers, mentors and all my amazing friends who have helped and supported me on this journey back to Self-Love. I AM especially grateful for my reconnection back to Divine Source Energy, remembering Who I truly I AM and where I came from. It is just the beginning; the journey of ascension continues to unfold and this is an integration of crystalline and plasma energies! In 2016, I fully stepped into my empowerment of my soul’s mission as a Conscious Self-Healing Master here serving the Divine Plan and assisting humanity into Awakening.